Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Life is Fragile

It's been awhile since I was away. Things somehow got better or the other way around. School was getting better, friends are being supportive and most of my awkwardness were almost gone. My family is getting better as time goes by. Though I'm less madder at a few fights all thanks to the Spirit living in within me.

My old school went through A WHOLE LOT OF DRAMA. They've just started to get their smartphones and getting in touch with media. There's an exchange student in my old school too! I guess she's from Argentina. My favourite teacher gave birth to her second child after it failed the previous time. More friends are leaving the school not because it was bad but because they were gonna shift their houses or they've got an offer to elsewhere out of town.
After the PMR season, as usual, PMR candidates will skip school because there really is not much class going on. There's this girl, Ng Yuk Tim, who skipped. Now, I've seen her in school or in her class. I was the President for the Red Crest Society and I've seen her during cocurriculum activities. She's into anime and she was about to meet one of the most famous cosplayers(guy) in the cosplay world to help put up a costume in his house. They met through Facebook and decided to meet that day. Her mom dropped her off at the train station. Now we all know that when there's a guy and a girl in the house, there is nothing good about it. He tried to RAPE her, she refused, he HIT HER with a dumbbell and she DIED INSTANTLY, stuffed her into a bag and disposed her. #TrueStory
Ng Yuk Tim, 15, my schoolmate who I wish I got to know better
And there is a rumour saying that there's this 13 year old boy from my school who COMMITED SUICIDE due to family problems. I met my old school teacher and asked about what happened in school. How were they coping with the news of the girl and what's with the boy. She said they are grieving but also moving on. She was supposed to teach her class this year but didn't which is a good thing cuz if stuffs like this happened then well, you'll grieve more. As for the boy, she said that the school had been trying to contact his family but there isn't any news. His brother, also from the same school, is also not giving any news either.

Just that Saturday, I was scrolling through my Timeline on Facebook and saw one of the status of my close friend's. It says, "Dad, REST IN PEACE. I promise I will study hard." That status was about Saturday night. I was just SHOCKED. Her father was a very jovial man. I could truly see that he loves his daughter very much. (apart from being the LAST child and ONLY daughter) I am sometimes ENVIOUS of their family relationship. On their phonecalls, she would always end it with "Bye Daddy, I love you." My dad and I don't even end our phonecalls with goodbyes. We only hang up when there's silence or when our message has been sent through. NO GOODBYES. Her dad always, always comes on time to pick her up. Unlike my dad. I sometimes call my dad only to my disappointment to find that he forgotten all about me. (We fought about this before) The LAST WORDS Uncle said to me was, "See you next year!" I replied, "No uncle, see you real soon. I'm going out with your daughter during the holidays!" He just laughed away. My ex classmates saw him that Friday in the school canteen looking really healthy. One of my friend said, "Ajal itu tak mengira orang itu sihat atau tidak" which meant death doesn't count whether the person is healthy or not. I guess that's somewhat true. 

I just don't know how to deal with deaths. I mean, I don't GRIEVE like how they do. I don't feel sad nor heartbroken nor hopeless. I just feel NUMB. It's as though I can't feel any feelings anymore. I realized I was numb when my cousin Jane passed on. (Posted on the blog) You can also call me strong in a modified way. In church, I had this line or statement running through my MIND. "LIFE IS FRAGILE" True enough, it's very true. My leader came up to me and I hugged her and I told her about this line and about the people who died as I wept. She prayed for me after that and felt kind of better a bit to have some assurance. In the evening, I told her about the death of my friend's dad. She said that this is happening to me MORE THAN an average teenager. That this could be a SIGN
I usually prefer not to MOVE ON from a sad happening in fear that when I move on and be happy and suddenly something like this happens again, I'll be back down or lower than where I was before. When I was a little bit younger, I was really NAIVE. I thought that death could never happen to the people I love or the people I know... until all of this happened. Death is EVERYWHERE.

That night, I was very SPACED OUT. I tried telling my other two friends who were very close to the other friend why I kept pressuring them to come for some of my evangelistic events from my church. That they will know where they will end up in LIFE AFTER DEATH. I myself couldn't be sure where I'll end up in hell or heaven but I know that I'm doing my best to earn a GOLDEN TICKET to heaven. When life ends, where will they head to? I don't have the tickets or even the assurance for them to enter heaven and I'm afraid that one day if they died and tasted hell they'll regret for not listening to me. I will regret for ETERNITY that I didn't give my all to save them from hell. What I'm trying to say is how sure that when your love one dies and have you ever longed to see them one day again? Where would they be? I mean, death could happen to anyone. Death could happen to you. That was why I was persisting in talking about my friend's future.

I may not be the holliest kid around, (despite having this post being so holy) may be the strongest kid or even the happiest kid but things like this DO matter to me. I take them very seriously and I rather not joke about it. It somehow tickles my sensitive holy bone to talk to my friends about life after death or even post a blog this long. I do care about the people around me and I do want to see them in the after life. I've been trying really hard to share the gospel but due to the world now, it's been harder than the times before. I think God is working something here. Something BIG. Something strong enough to do changes to people's lives and I'm ready to be used and contribute even a small part of it for the glory of His kingdom.

I just wanna take this time to thank God...

Dear Lord, thank you.
For the people YOU PUT into my life, the people YOU WILL BE putting and the people YOU WON'T.
For the lives that YOU GAVE, the lives YOU WILL BE GIVING and the lives that YOU WON'T.
For the things that I DID, the things I WILL DO and the things I WON'T.
For the things that HAPPENED, the things that WILL HAPPEN and the things that WON'T.
For things YOU MADE, things YOU WILL MAKE and the things YOU WON'T.
For the , the love you will be giving and the love that you will never stop giving.
Thank you so much.

Thank God in all circumstances. Good day :) 

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Here today, gone tomorrow.

Hey everyone!
It's almost a month since I posted something on my blog. This is gonna be a long, meaningful post. Bear with it.
So, if you kept up with my blog, I'm sure you'll cross by me talking about my late cousin.
Here's the story. Her story.

She was someone you could say caring and thoughtful to others. That was what she was. To others. Well, to me, it was completely different. Totally the opposite.
To me, she's inconsiderate, reckless, still confused between being a kid or an adult.
Well, that's what all teenagers are right? Most of them.
I have to admit, she acts all well behaved and matured in front of people and that's a good fact that doesn't last long when she's with me.
Behind those eyes, she's someone whom you would expect to tease you and someone who would just wait it their way.
Just someone in the process to find out who they really are.
She is Jane Lee.

Jane was brought into this world unexpectedly.
The fact that she's not my true cousin, completely surprised me. I really have no idea about this.

I only knew it on the night of her wake service.
But that's not the point. The point is I was blinded by love so much that I couldn't see the thin line of truth.
That's what we were.

Every year, she'll be overtaking me by my height. Really hated it when she teased me how short I am getting but really, it was her who was growing really tall. I used to be the tallest in our family and now perhaps I got back my title I always wanted. I would give it up again for her but I know I couldn't anymore.

Every Chinese New Year, she'd be sitting at the living room eating a bowl of rice at our Granny's house. She'd chug down multiple of packet drinks and these recent years, she has been eating lesser. Perhaps it's because she wanted to be skinny when she has reached her teen years. She wasn't even a teen yet to begin with.

Some 3 years ago. Chinese New Year.

During Mooncake Festivals, we'd play candles outside of Granny's house. I remember we'd take dead leaves, sometimes our leftover food, peanut shells and all sorts to burn. We used to arrange lots of candles together, form a really big flame and watch the colorful wax melt. I once brought marshmallows to burn. We couldn't see much in the dark so as we entered the house to check whether my marshmallow was cooked, I realized how black the marshmallow was. She laughed at me with that sort of annoying laugh. Nowadays, Granny wouldn't let us stick the candles on her tile floor as it would be hard to clean up the wax later. We'd use a brick or a stick instead. Now, the stick or brick would be meaningless without her.

Every Christmas, her family would always give me books as a present. Even though my family wasn't that kind of family who would sit around and unwrap every present on Boxing Day, trust me when I say, I already knew what she will be giving me.

In every dance practice, I was afraid to stand in front of her as she would always kick me from behind. I always got really annoyed by it and I often complained to my parents, friends, and granny. Soon, her brother followed her footsteps and kicked almost everyone he sees. I guess I'll be missing that forever now. I always thought she would pass that phase once she enters her teenage years so I let it be and never lectured her about it. If I knew she had 'that' long to live, I would really advice her about it and head towards a better relationship.

Our dance team.

Me and my sister would go to her house for sleepovers once in a while during the holidays. We'd go to the park at night and walk the dogs. Shawn would be cycling, my sister would be followicng my unle and aunt to walk the dogs and for us, we'll be on the swing or just racing. I remembered once my phone dropped out of my pocket when I was running and we were using everything we had to find my phone in pitch darkness and good enough, we found it. Maturing, fun wasn't a thing for me anymore. It was just a word. I wasn't interested in all those dress up or Barbie anymore. When she called me up to her room, I gave her as much reasons I can not to. At night, we'll be gossiping about stuffs the world outside our four walls will never know. My mom do not really like me and my sister to sleepover at people's houses cuz' she thinks of it as a bad habit or so. I guess, it's too late to regret about it when we couldn't go over to her house when we had the chance to.

Shawn Lee holding a picture of Jane.

She was the first person I think of when I hear the word "cousin". Growing up, I wasn't close to most of my cousins. Losing her is like losing most of my childhood. My childhood was awesome, though at times bitter but that's the way life's gotta be right? And now without her, my childhood is just... gone with her. I thought I'd share my teenage years with her since it's easier every Sunday cuz' she was in a proper age to be in the Youth Force. She was the gap between my sister and I. We were all 3 years apart from each other. She was like our beef patty to our burger, our "Re" to our "Do" and "Mi", our middle part of tomato sauce to our pizza.
This is probably my last letter to her. I don't know when we'll meet again, don't know when I'll remember her again, don't know who to share my joy with again, don't know how to sleepover at her house again, don't know who to play with again and I just don't know what will the future be without her.
To my enemy at times, my friend to share my secrets with at night, my height-rival, my sister who looked a little bit like me at times, some big bully of mine, my cousin, Jane.
That was what we really were.

Our last moments that are still fresh in my memories are when we were in Church Camp. Her last camp.
Before the camp, we didn't really meet up with each other.
Well, I do see her in church, just a quick glance. Just to stay out of a pointless fight with her which I knew I would lose.

Once, we fought all around the church over my  hair rubber band. It was a really tiring battle. Haha! When I pinned her against the walls with my hands, she spitted at me! Gosh! Ew!

I'm really a hygiene freak when it comes to salivas! I tried so hard not to lose it by asking for help from the people around. Well, that was what my mom always told me to do when I was picked on. Ask for someone else to interfere and stop. Didn't work.
Her reasons to hold on to my rubber bands were absurd and invalid. I was really, really mad.
Well, of course it came to a stop and my rubber band is back in my hands but this was one of those times I hated her! 
I did nothing. Did not approach her, did not teach her. Nothing. Always, always thought she will grow out of this nuisance. She didn't have the time to.

During camp, we hardly bumped into each other. There was just once. That was in the lift. She told me where her room was but I didn't pay any attention to it. Just a simple nod as a reaction and therefore, I didn't look for her in the middle of the night like how any teenagers would do.
We had to serve the congregation during one of those nights. That was when we cooperated together.

After being taught by one of our dance seniors, we went to the side of the stage to practice. It was one of our simple tambourine dances. I led the practice. There she was with two of her close buddies too. I remember I screwed up one of the steps. We didn't really joke around. Well, that's because I wasn't in to it. I never knew that that was the last.
The very last.

Ah yes! I just remembered. During the camp, she scooped me out of a conversation between my friends quite rudely, she's really strong so I couldn't do much but wriggled. She said the children's speaker Ps. Teong Soo Cheng wanted to see me because it's been years and years since the last time we met. My foggy memory couldn't let me remember what we talked during our walk to meet the speaker but I think we were talking about how awkward it is for me and she was reassuring me that it was okay.

I hardly saw her after the camp ended. All of our church members headed home. I woked up in Bidor for lunch at one of the most famous restaurants there, Wantan Mee.
That was when a call came...

That's Ps. Teong Soo Cheng on the left. I didn't even take a photo with Jane on this day. The last day of camp.

My feelings were all jumbled up, my mind was out of place. The crash was between my uncle's car and the lorry. A part of me told me it was nothing serious. God will protect. Part of me ached to disagree. I couldn't remember most of the things on that day. Someone on the phone said that there were two victims, both ladies. One dead, one seriously injured.
I kept chanting, "It's neither anyone from my family."
My dad was speeding towards the scene. Both my parents came out of the car. My sister and I weren't allowed to. After a while, my mom returned for the camera and told us that Jane's gone. My dad came back to head to the nearest hospital where my uncle and aunt were sent to.

Small picture of the scene. The blue car...

Just shocked and speechless.That night was really long.

Sometimes, I still believe she's still alive. That I will soon invite her for random Canteen Days or ask her to accompany me to famous International Understanding Days for my first time. Our first time.
She's never been to those special days. Not even from her school.
Every time an event comes, I want to invite her but then I realize... She's gone.
My mind plays tricks on me.

Rest in Peace, Jane Lee Xi Yan

Till I see you,

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Great Unexpectations

OK! From my previous post, I said that I would celebrate a SOLEMN birthday rite?

In fact, I guess everybody's 16th birthdays are SWEET!!
No matter what!! :D
#YOSO You're only 16 once!

This morning I woke up with a MOTTO on my mind.
"I have friends that can make my bitter 16 sweet..."

That was how it all went this morning...
But as soon I stepped into the school hall, a few classmates asked me whether it was my birthday today.
I said yes and they wished.
Nothing MUCH, nothing SPECIAL.

Went into class, sat at the CORNER and just stare into space. (Didn't have much close friends to get all hyped about today)

When one of my classmate came in, they started singing a BIRTHDAY SONG for me!!
Now, I know I'm always the one who STARTS singing a birthday song for my classmates but this was different... Well, OBVIOUSLY it is.
You see, I'm in a NEW school so everything was new. I now feel the LOVE I've been giving out to my old friends :D
They even gave me 3 TOBLERONE chocolates!! Awww! Thanks, but I already have too much chocolate!! You guys are TOO KIND la weii!!

A little while later, another classmate of mine gave me a BIRTHDAY CARD!

The ODD thing is that I absolutely think that they do not know my birthday at all and they still manage to give me more than something!
I know how MESSY I get when I rush to prepare a gift for someone.
Her card even came with BOOGLE EYES!! O.O

When we were waiting for school to end, my so called close ACQUAINTANCE, passed me a notebook.
And in it are little CUTE birthday wishes from more than half of the class!!
On EVERY page!! It was also a last minute thing!!


When I came home, I found two cards on my desk.
One is a really, typical, expansive looking card and another one is a weak attempt card... (Must be my dad's.)

My mom's special lullaby from long time ago written in it :)
ALTHOUGH it was a lame, cheap paper card...
There were a few 'hints' I missed and after dad showed me the clue...

This was what happened...
The first letter which I overlooked a clue at the far end of the page and also my dad's loyal, first NOKIA.

Which then led me to the second letter in the dressing table's drawer... Another lame message with another clue at the bottom.

And then this was in the wardrobe cupboard and a few fake 'treasures'... The black and white NOKIA was my first phone!!

Deep, deep, deep under all my grandma's lingerie... This was found!

So yeahh...
Not too bad after all, right??

We later went to Fullhouse to eat dinner!!
I skipped tuition! hehehehe!! ^^

- Can't load the photos into my computer but I'll update soon!! -
Recently, my junior uploaded a photo on Instagram and mentioned me!! Aww, how sweet of her!! :D

And another junior pranked me at this hour... (11:56pm)
That was pretty much how I summed up my day.
I didn't mention about the explosion in the science lab which later the whole class sang another happy birthday song.

Well, thanks guys! For making today sweet!! Gawshh!! Never thought I would end up this happy today.

From today and till the next year, I AM 16.
#YOSO You're only 16 once!!!

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

My not so joyous 16th birthday countdown.

Holla! It's 11:36pm now and I'm just less than 30 MINUTES till 19th of June.
Usually someone would get all HYPED about it, TWEET it, POST it and just tell the whole world that it is your birthday.
For me, I'm not even hyped nor neutral.
I'm actually SAD.

No, it's not because of the guy from my 
I'm probably one of the many person who didn't celebrate his/her SWEET 16.

My dad, my Uncle and I share the same birthday :)
Jane braided my hair! :D
It's just that everyone is not in the MOOD.
I guess it's because my cousin passed on...
Really miss her alot. :(

Yes, they're twins
2 years ago, our birthdays fell on FATHER'S DAY!
This was what happened...

She really liked Korean stuffs!!
We ate here...
We were happy. :')

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Do not give up. The beginning is always the hardest.

Hey Reader! It's been a week in my new school now.
And it's really TOUGH.
Keeping up and slowing down with my new class presents a challenge for me that all new students face.
Some of the subjects are faster than my old school and some are slower.
I had to leave a few pages to fill in the MISSING BLANKS for my left out notes or chapters and repeat a few other chapters that I've learned in a new page.

Not only that, I find that MOST of my notebooks are still in my old school and the only time I can get them is on Tuesdays. (Utmost silly mistake.)
I attend the same tuition as my EX-CLASSMATE. (Thank GOD!!)

After the holidays and into the new school, I flipped through a few of my excercise books and found out that most of my HOMEWORK from the old school are left UNDONE. (Whoops!)

I really feel LEFT OUT and SPACED OUT.

It's not that the students there make me feel this way.
REALLY. They're really one of the most liveliest people I've met compared to my old school. (This is also one of the reasons why I shift... and I'm really sorry.)

It's just that I get so caught up in chasing up or slowing down in the studies that I'm so driven to the edge of GIVING UP.
My friends in this school said that I'm not as lively or bubbly as they thought I USED to be.
I say, "IT TAKES TIME." (Yeah, really, more like time to unleash this catterpillar in the cocoon.)

I've been placed in the Kenanga (Yellow) sports team. 
The LOUSIEST team of all time, says the people in this current school. (Dies slowly inside...)

As a former Red team member in my previous school, I really, really, really wish to keep this FIRE burning RED.Besides, my mom and dad were also in Red team during their school days.
So is my sister now in her school.(Cool right?!)
My dad even wrote a letter for the class teacher which I didn't even give it to her all because of the silly reason my dad wrote. FAMILY TRADITION.

His last reason was that if I was still in the Red house, the PASSION for sports will burn like it never will go off. Which is 101% CORRECT.

Many of my friends who are in this latest school had BAILED OUT of their old sports team to get into their desired sports team.
They told me to do so but the problem is, I've TOLD the teacher about it so in her mind, there is a big, fat chance that I would likely be a FUGITIVE in the Red house.
One of my friends said it was alright to 'BEND' the rules. Not 'BREAKING' them.

So I bought the Red T-shirt... hoping that I would not get caught tomorrow (Cross-country 6/4/13) and the many days to come.
In other words, this 2 years of service in this school.
And if I DO get caught, then, well, everybody's gotta BREAK some rules ONCE or TWICE in their lives.

I placed 16th in this new school. Told myself to get at least top 15 and I failed. BIG TIME.
My PERSONAL BEST was 3rd... but that was in my old school.
I was like the best in that school and this school... I'm feeling like a ZERO.

In summary my whole week was blasted.
Felt so DEPRESSED and I've never felt as low as this before.
Tiffany, a wonderful young adult and my other different 'clone' said it was normal cuz' she too shifted to this school some long, long time ago.

It's all bad that week...
Except for that Sunday... :)

Was able to de-stress myself... and it felt GOOD. 
Thank You Lord, for giving me the spirit of peserverence.
Lemons :)

Monday, April 1, 2013

New School - Day 1

It's April Fool's Day today... Also my first day in that new school...
Well, I'm an absolute joker so doing BIG stuffs on this memorable day is my 'thang'.
No one tricked me yet. (This is lucky or what??! Not so fun though...)

Being in a new school environment, new teachers, new friends, new EVERYTHING was really a drastic change for a dramatic person like me.

New bagdges.
The school is kinda crowded and small. (I'm gonna die out of extreme CLAUSTROPHOBIA!!) 
Well, can't really blame them and this was expected long ago since I first heard of this school.


The teachers were quite okay though, except the fact that my class teacher is my History teacher and that she's EXTREMELY a serious person.
From a scale of 1 to 10, I rate her 11 of seriousness for my first impression. It might decrease, it might increase.
I thought I could give a good impression on the teachers, but someone literally blew it up. (Thanks, I'm an absolute BAD ASS now)

My classmates are quite welcoming, hope to know more of them better.
I'm not so sure of their attitude yet, though one of my friend in that class has a rival in that very class too... (I don't do wars. PEACE)
They've stalked me for quite a while though, before I even stepped into the school.
From what I remembered, I only told two people about my migration. Since then everyone I know knows about it. (Word spreads.)

I know most of the students there because most of them are my church members.
Really did feel welcomed by them. :)
And the REASON WHY I'M SHIFTING is because of the CHRISTIAN FELLOWSHIP there is strong. Oh and Happy Belated Easter!!
Though it's not really a strong reason why I shifted but that's what it is, fellas.
I missed out on the daily prayer in school with the CF members though.
My name's Cinderella and I was late. (Metaphorically speaking.)

But above all these things, I still miss my classmates from my old school. :')
Now tell me, who's gonna fool you guys on this foolish day?

And maybe sometime when I stare at this picture I caught, I'll think that you guys would still accept me with outstretched arms, whenever. 

Saturday, March 30, 2013

The Year 2013

Hey guys! It's been more than 6 months since I touched this dusty, old blog. Now, I know that last two years posts are all deleted. It's been decided long ago, that the past will be erased and perhaps, forgotten.
@UberFacts: Scientists say the brain purposely forgets certain memories in order to avoid information overload, and emotional hangovers.

 So if my brain purposely forgets the past then it's no point sharing it on this blogger.
 I'm gonna start this new year, though it's already March, a new blog! All the templates, layouts, are fonts or any other accessories will be changed. The old ones are very... ummmm.... yeah. 


  Basically, I'm gonna share briefly a few things that happened after my last post. (22 June 2012) 

 1. Went to our awesome, once in two years youth camp (I heart God)
 2. Had straight A's (7A) for my PMR (Peperiksaan Menengah Rendah) a.k.a A really major exam.
3. Didn't ask for anything after my great victory (No.1)from my parents though I would really love a zoom lens camera or a new zoom lens.
4. Did a cover of His Love - Hillsong with The Astronauts and spent most of the holidays with them.
5. Sang a few Christmas carols with a few church friends in Renaissance Hotel during Christmas Eve.
6. Sang and danced in Chung Kwok Hall.

 7. HAPPY NEW YEAR with the Astronauts too! 
8. Chinese new year. Cha-ching!! 
 9. Another lonely Valentine's 
 10. First terms. (Quite below average results ><)
11. Langkawi trip! (Quite boring)
12.Shifting schools and I didn't inform anyone about it. (There's a huge rumor though ._.)

13. It's the holidays and I'm out of my old school but not in the new school yet. (Currently school-less)

The I Heart God Camp's tee and my awesome CG members!

That Langkawi trip.
Result's Day for PMR.

This is the cover by The Astronauts.