Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Life is Fragile

It's been awhile since I was away. Things somehow got better or the other way around. School was getting better, friends are being supportive and most of my awkwardness were almost gone. My family is getting better as time goes by. Though I'm less madder at a few fights all thanks to the Spirit living in within me.

My old school went through A WHOLE LOT OF DRAMA. They've just started to get their smartphones and getting in touch with media. There's an exchange student in my old school too! I guess she's from Argentina. My favourite teacher gave birth to her second child after it failed the previous time. More friends are leaving the school not because it was bad but because they were gonna shift their houses or they've got an offer to elsewhere out of town.
After the PMR season, as usual, PMR candidates will skip school because there really is not much class going on. There's this girl, Ng Yuk Tim, who skipped. Now, I've seen her in school or in her class. I was the President for the Red Crest Society and I've seen her during cocurriculum activities. She's into anime and she was about to meet one of the most famous cosplayers(guy) in the cosplay world to help put up a costume in his house. They met through Facebook and decided to meet that day. Her mom dropped her off at the train station. Now we all know that when there's a guy and a girl in the house, there is nothing good about it. He tried to RAPE her, she refused, he HIT HER with a dumbbell and she DIED INSTANTLY, stuffed her into a bag and disposed her. #TrueStory
Ng Yuk Tim, 15, my schoolmate who I wish I got to know better
And there is a rumour saying that there's this 13 year old boy from my school who COMMITED SUICIDE due to family problems. I met my old school teacher and asked about what happened in school. How were they coping with the news of the girl and what's with the boy. She said they are grieving but also moving on. She was supposed to teach her class this year but didn't which is a good thing cuz if stuffs like this happened then well, you'll grieve more. As for the boy, she said that the school had been trying to contact his family but there isn't any news. His brother, also from the same school, is also not giving any news either.

Just that Saturday, I was scrolling through my Timeline on Facebook and saw one of the status of my close friend's. It says, "Dad, REST IN PEACE. I promise I will study hard." That status was about Saturday night. I was just SHOCKED. Her father was a very jovial man. I could truly see that he loves his daughter very much. (apart from being the LAST child and ONLY daughter) I am sometimes ENVIOUS of their family relationship. On their phonecalls, she would always end it with "Bye Daddy, I love you." My dad and I don't even end our phonecalls with goodbyes. We only hang up when there's silence or when our message has been sent through. NO GOODBYES. Her dad always, always comes on time to pick her up. Unlike my dad. I sometimes call my dad only to my disappointment to find that he forgotten all about me. (We fought about this before) The LAST WORDS Uncle said to me was, "See you next year!" I replied, "No uncle, see you real soon. I'm going out with your daughter during the holidays!" He just laughed away. My ex classmates saw him that Friday in the school canteen looking really healthy. One of my friend said, "Ajal itu tak mengira orang itu sihat atau tidak" which meant death doesn't count whether the person is healthy or not. I guess that's somewhat true. 

I just don't know how to deal with deaths. I mean, I don't GRIEVE like how they do. I don't feel sad nor heartbroken nor hopeless. I just feel NUMB. It's as though I can't feel any feelings anymore. I realized I was numb when my cousin Jane passed on. (Posted on the blog) You can also call me strong in a modified way. In church, I had this line or statement running through my MIND. "LIFE IS FRAGILE" True enough, it's very true. My leader came up to me and I hugged her and I told her about this line and about the people who died as I wept. She prayed for me after that and felt kind of better a bit to have some assurance. In the evening, I told her about the death of my friend's dad. She said that this is happening to me MORE THAN an average teenager. That this could be a SIGN
I usually prefer not to MOVE ON from a sad happening in fear that when I move on and be happy and suddenly something like this happens again, I'll be back down or lower than where I was before. When I was a little bit younger, I was really NAIVE. I thought that death could never happen to the people I love or the people I know... until all of this happened. Death is EVERYWHERE.

That night, I was very SPACED OUT. I tried telling my other two friends who were very close to the other friend why I kept pressuring them to come for some of my evangelistic events from my church. That they will know where they will end up in LIFE AFTER DEATH. I myself couldn't be sure where I'll end up in hell or heaven but I know that I'm doing my best to earn a GOLDEN TICKET to heaven. When life ends, where will they head to? I don't have the tickets or even the assurance for them to enter heaven and I'm afraid that one day if they died and tasted hell they'll regret for not listening to me. I will regret for ETERNITY that I didn't give my all to save them from hell. What I'm trying to say is how sure that when your love one dies and have you ever longed to see them one day again? Where would they be? I mean, death could happen to anyone. Death could happen to you. That was why I was persisting in talking about my friend's future.

I may not be the holliest kid around, (despite having this post being so holy) may be the strongest kid or even the happiest kid but things like this DO matter to me. I take them very seriously and I rather not joke about it. It somehow tickles my sensitive holy bone to talk to my friends about life after death or even post a blog this long. I do care about the people around me and I do want to see them in the after life. I've been trying really hard to share the gospel but due to the world now, it's been harder than the times before. I think God is working something here. Something BIG. Something strong enough to do changes to people's lives and I'm ready to be used and contribute even a small part of it for the glory of His kingdom.

I just wanna take this time to thank God...

Dear Lord, thank you.
For the people YOU PUT into my life, the people YOU WILL BE putting and the people YOU WON'T.
For the lives that YOU GAVE, the lives YOU WILL BE GIVING and the lives that YOU WON'T.
For the things that I DID, the things I WILL DO and the things I WON'T.
For the things that HAPPENED, the things that WILL HAPPEN and the things that WON'T.
For things YOU MADE, things YOU WILL MAKE and the things YOU WON'T.
For the , the love you will be giving and the love that you will never stop giving.
Thank you so much.

Thank God in all circumstances. Good day :) 

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